I am almost always too sarcastic, too happy, or too sad to write for the betterment of myself and those around me. So, have you anything better to do than be dragged in the same abysmal hole that I am in now, please close this window. If not, let me carry on.
The past few months have been quite grueling because I feel like I am starting to lose grip of who I am – a feeling all too familiar but never gotten used to. It’s like that pinching pain you get when you hit your pinky toe against the corner of that table in your room. Too familiar, but hurts like a mother-(insert profanity to further impose gravity of the situation here.)
I always end up being in a room of people and not knowing what to do with myself. Of course I can make small talk and of course I know how to deal with people (most of the time, anyway. Other times I just wish they’d shut up because what they talk about does not improve the silence. At all. Anyway -) sadly, I always end up feeling like a stranger among friends, with a peculiarity out of standard and a wavelength that does not match any other’s.
A friend asked me today if I was lonely, and I answered yes. I always have been, and I think I've wholly accepted that I always will be. It used to be such a drag to be a foreigner wherever I go, to not like the same things and want the same people as most others, but now it’s just really funny. He said loneliness is just how we perceive things, but I think perception can only take you as far as your heart chooses to. The mind is too used a tool that we think everything can be manipulated or tweaked as how we want it, but as most “smart” people who are in dire need of explanations and healing would agree, the mind may be willing but the heart is deceitful.
My heart ruled my mind and tampered with the rightful perception which should have been that we always end up breaking the hearts of people we love most, that we should never give anyone anything we knew we couldn't ever get back, or that we should never ever ever ever fall in love with someone we love more than ourselves (because that is not only cheesy, but plain stupid.)
So perception is not where all depends but with the heart that tampers and commands the change. It is not an upgrade in the mind that we need, to change who or how we are, it should be of the heart - of finding that one thing you truly believe and love so much so that your heart just learns to defy old ways and make anew, and spark a change in all that you are.
I have no conclusion for this post. but then every person has it's own capacity and understanding within their own situation. we cant judge each and everyone of us by just according to one single instance. sorry for being so random here it seems like my mind is going out. turning out so crazy. there is nothing more i can juice up with my mind so i guess this could be the end of this piece of shit ;) hahahaha yeah really. there's nothing more i just want to write more and more because it is so cold i can't barely type words. geezer. now seriously. bye :p
#PickMeUp
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